10 totally legitimate leadership tips

1. Do not lead by example. The goal here is, “Do what I say, not what I do.” To be a truly successful leader, you have to tell people what to do. Let’s face it: Becoming a promotable person requires only that you be political and say all of the right things. There’s no need to actually keep your word or follow through. Learn how to say “yes” to your boss and make promises to your staff that you do not intend to keep.
2. Take the credit when the credit is due. The easiest way to get ahead is to think about yourself, your goals and your ambitions, and how you can bring those to fruition. It does take much confidence or expertise to think about yourself, so when the opportunity arises, make sure you get the credit for all the great things your team has accomplished.
3. Ineffective communication is key to shining the light on yourself. When you leave everyone in the dark, it is much easier to swoop in and be the light in the darkness in which you created. 
4. When things do not go your way, play the victim. It is the way of the world today to blame others for your own faults. Instead of doing self-reflection and becoming more self-aware – which requires work and admitting that you failed in a particular area in which you have an opportunity for growth – just blame others. It is not your fault that you are a failed leader and do not deserve to be in the position you are in.
5. Tell everyone what they want to hear. The goal here is to make everyone feel good. The best part is that this requires no actual work toward developing others as well, and avoids difficult conversations that may need to be had in order to coach and mentor others on their path to greatness.
6. Remember that asking for help is a sign of weakness. No man is an island, as they say, but you didn’t help get where you are by asking for help from others, right? The best leaders out there know when they need help, and they know where to turn to in order to get it: Google. In the era of knowledge through technology being right at our fingertips, why would you need others? Nobody can know everything, so finding a search engine and websites that you trust for advice when things get tough can make all the difference.
7. Make all the decisions on your own. Trying to make every decision turns you into a superior micro-manager. First, you won’t get burned by allowing others to make decisions that make you look bad. Second, everyone under you is probably incompetent. If they were competent, then they would be a threat to your very existence, so we would probably get rid of them anyway, right? Your goal is to keep your job and not lose it to someone more competent than you.
8. Supplant your lack of knowledge with ego. Put on the persona that you know everything and don’t need anyone’s help. Make sure everyone knows that you are the smartest in the room. This type of arrogance is very promotable today.
9. Never forgot that everything you do is about you: your success, your promotion, and your better way of life. If you have to walk on the back of others to get to where you want to go, so be it. It is a dog-eat-dog world out there. Do whatever it takes to win, regardless of the cost. Integrity is moral and morality is a thing of the past. We now live in the time of hedonism. You do you.
10. Avoid the truth at all costs if it will create any friction within the organization. Trying to drive change will make you an outcast and a troublemaker. That is the quickest way to NOT get promoted. Focus on maintaining the status quo, and never ruffle feathers.

I know in my heart of hearts that if you apply these 10 tips to your life, you will rise to the top. Remember, crush everyone in your path and take no prisoners. Then, you will see success.