Captain Unreliability (1)
Captain Unreliability (1)
Captain Unreliability (1)
Captain Unreliability (1)
Captain Unreliability (1)

Succession planning to leave a hole

Jan. 5, 2022
You are a superhero, so who could possibly replace you?

Succession planning is a strategy for passing on leadership roles, in particular, finding your own replacement. With all the success you have had (or the lack thereof), you do not want to be outdone. You have left, at least in your own head, a legacy that you do not want to be tarnished. You are a superhero, so who really could replace you? So in order to leave the gaping hole that you think you will, here are some tips on how to leave the company regretting your departure and some tips for finding your replacement.

Promote from within


This hardly ever happens, especially if the person you want to promote doesn’t have a college degree. I mean, let’s get real here. The 25 years of experience within the facility is nothing compared to a college kid with a degree in synchronized swimming that has never worked a day in their life. How could anyone without a degree think they could compete with the qualifications of this college kid? Sorry, but only 25 years of experience, knowledge of the systems, culture, and processes – uh, hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are unqualified.

If they do have a degree, you need to a N.O.T.S. Analysis (Never Outshine The Superhero). This analysis looks to see if there is a chance that they could improve upon the worthlessness you bring to the organization. If there is any chance they can outshine you, they are unqualified. If there is zero chance they can outshine you, make this one a disciple.

Recruit from outside


Always hire someone more incompetent than you to develop for your replacement. I know that this will be hard given your own incompetence, but the great news is that there is always someone out there more incompetent than you.

Also, you could just hire the college kid from the example above. Synchronized swimming as a major is the perfect fit for the organization.

Or, forget the qualifications, hire based on identity. Seems to be the most popular trend at this time, so why not take advantage of it?

Training


Typically, training includes the development of skills, company knowledge, and certifications. The training might include having employees cross-train and shadow various positions or jobs in all the major departments. The problem with this methodology is that creates competence, and we do not want that. They will surely tarnish your legacy of idiocy.

You should focus on training them to learn where the bathroom is, how to make small talk, and waste their day. Pretty much just repeating everything you do all day. Remember, you are passing on your legacy by training them to do what you do. You can leave the organization with your head held high, knowing you have left your position in perfectly incapable hands.

Benefits of succession planning


There are several advantages for both employers and employees to having a formalized succession plan in place: Employees know that there is a “chance for advancement” which can lead to more empowerment and higher job satisfaction. Knowing that most companies hardly promote from within, this is a great way to take the next imbecile, give them hope, and severely disappoint him or her when the promotion does not come their way.

Okay, really there are not any benefits to the organization, but there are benefits for you. It will make you look good in your own eyes! Also, it will make you look smart, because you are using big words like “succession planning” and can constantly bring up how your succession plan is coming to fruition and are looking forward to the day you depart from the company. See, you are smarter than I thought!

About the Author: The Captain