Not getting promoted fast enough? Become more incompetent.

Feb. 13, 2020
Get all the credit that you haven’t earned – but which you really, really want – in four easy steps.

F.E.M.A., or a Failure Effects of Man Analysis, is a really great tool to use to blame other people to promote yourself to the top! Need a promotion? Is someone smarter and more qualified in your way? Develop a F.E.M.A. to get them out of the way!

First, you must remember the Peter Principle, which states: “People will be promoted to their level of incompetence.” Not to fear, you already have been, but will the next promotion hurt? I think not! Just continue your current level of incompetence to be promoted.

Is promotion not coming fast enough? Become more incompetent. Don’t understand how you can become more incompetent? Easy! Just put yourself in a stressful situation.

Second, don’t worry about doing any work. You need to spend your time documenting all the failures of those in your way. Not seeing any failures on their behalf? Not to worry, keep track of their successes as well. Do what you can to show up to their meetings and put in your two cents. That way, when they are successful, you can take their credit! Not so hard, is it?

If you do not get invited to their meetings and have no opportunity to steal the credit, then you must take the success and make it look like a failure to others. How, you say? Let me show you.

Let’s start with how much you know about your boss: What are their hobbies? Their birthday? Kids’ birthdays? Grandma’s birthday? Spouse’s birthday? Pet’s birthday? When is the family reunion? Do their kids play sports? Can you smell the color yellow? Can you hear that? What does a rainbow taste like?

Once you have answered some of these questions, use them to your advantage. Suck up as much as possible. Buy them all gifts. For example, are your kids not in water polo, but your boss’ kids are? Well, make your kids join water polo – that way, your boss can’t escape you.

Get employees in your way to like you as much as possible. Earn their trust. Then use that trust to crush your enemies! Let the boss know that their people are complete failures. Tell your boss they lied about cost savings, or how a proposed solution won’t work because it will cost too much money.

Let the boss know that going with said employee’s plan will completely destroy the company. Inform him of all the risks involved and how unsafe it will be. This will be more than enough to get the credit you deserve.

Third, do as much as possible to get notches on your “promotion” belt. You do this by take 4 or 5 interns under your wing for mentorship. After about three months, promote them to Supervisor. Then, three months later, promote them to Operations Manager. After three more months, Plant Manager. You now can add 4 or 5 notches to your promotion belt as a successful mentor.

Lastly, cut jobs by 50% and slash the budget by 50%. Those above you will not believe their eyes when they see the monthly expenses come in. By saving the company this much, especially if you have no strategy, you will probably be promoted up two extra spots.
Have dreams of becoming Vice President of your company? Well, here you go, and this advice was free!

About the Author: The Captain

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